Bathroom Dialing
by ipwnyourmother
Summary: It’s funny, the way your life can change while you’re sitting on the toilet. Sam calls a number on the wall of a bathroom stall; hilarity ensues. Spam, long oneshot.


**DISCLAIMER: **_I don't own iCarly._

**A/N: **_So, I was doing my daily hour of writing and I started writing about someone calling a number they find written in a bathroom and it quickly became this. I realize Sam came out a little ooc. I think I was channeling the lost soul of a valley girl when I wrote this. Still, it's mostly in character, I think. Maybe not. I think so. But… maybe not. Anyways. Lather, read, review, rinse, repeat._

* * *

It's funny, the way your life can change while you're sitting on the toilet. I mean it, really. You're sitting there, more relieved than you can say to be letting out the six or seven glasses of soda you've finished off, and then you look up at the door of the stall in front of you and – hey, your life just changed, though you don't know it yet.

At least I can say without a doubt that my intentions were good. I was just going to call the number and let whoever answered know 'hey, your number is on the door of a bathroom stall in the Double Dragon on 5th street. You might want to look into that.' Just a quick, 'what's up, I was just peeing, and the door told me to call you for a good time' or 'hey, man, I'm at the Double Dragon, why don't you meet me for some fun, the toilet said you would.' That's all I wanted to do. And somehow, it became something I'd never imagined, never expected, never even thought about. And in the end, all I could think to say was 'woah.'

* * *

So I'm sitting in the Double Dragon on 5th Street with Carly and Freddie, and we're discussing ideas for the iCarly Grand Finale. Grand Finale because Freddie is off to MIT in a week and Carly's heading off to Portland State University around the same time. I, however, intend to stay in Seattle – not because I didn't get accepted anywhere else, but because its home, and I don't like the idea of going anywhere else, plus going somewhere else would mean getting my own place and like… a job, and that is _so _unappealing. But that's really not the point. Anyways, so I'm sitting in the Double Dragon, and they're playing this really stereotypical oriental music to like set the mood, even though the wait staff is made up of these skinny little blonde chicks, and I totally know the owner and he was definitely born and raised in the 'burbs. But whatever. It's a stupid restaurant that serves totally delicious Chinese food. No joke, their wonton soup is to die for. Really. I would kill Freddie for a free bowl of it.

Anyways.

Freddie's in the middle of pitching some stupid idea about walruses and Gibby and Carly is trying to hide her laughter by stuffing her face with General Tsao's chicken and I'm like, "Hello, my soda is empty!" But our waitress is deliberately ignoring me, because she went to school with us, and when she first came to the table she was like 'omg, you called me fat face in the sixth grade, I was anorexic because of you' and I was like, 'I would never call you fat face, you're totally thin!' and she was like, 'I wasn't in the sixth grade!' and I was like, 'Whatever, just bring me some soup!'

But I'm getting off topic again. So Freddie turns to me and asks what I think about the walrus-Gibby-failed-comedy-attempt and I totally ignore him, because I'm busy making really obnoxious sucking sounds with my empty soda to annoy the waitress. And then she comes over and just like, snatches the cup out of my hand, so I go, "Hey, I was drinking that!" And Carly punches my shoulder because she says I'm being rude; she's gotten a lot more violent lately – I think I've been a good influence on her.

So then Carly goes, "Sam, what do you think of Freddie's idea?" Because she totally doesn't want to crush his little feelers by telling him how much it blows. I, however, don't give a flying Gibby about Freddie's feelings, so I just sort of stare at him and ask where we're going to find a walrus and is he really that dumb?

And he's all, 'I don't know, it's not like you have a better idea, blah blah blah blah I'm sensitive blah blah.' But I'm not listening, because the waitress just brought my fresh soda, and I'm in the middle of sucking half of it up the straw when I realize – I really, really have to pee.

So I jump out of my seat and Freddie flinches away from me like he thinks I'm going to attack him, but I don't have time to mock him, because seriously, I need to urinate.

I duck through the little curtains that separate the bathroom area from the dining hall, and this lady is coming out of the bathroom and she's like, 'hello, dear, don't forget to wash your hands!' Which is a really weird thing to say to someone, but who am I to complain, it's good advice. I have to, like, run for the bathroom, and that makes sense, because I've had like eight peppy colas in the last hour, but whatever, I make it to the toilet in time and this feeling of relief washes over me. Seriously, I go 'ahhhhh, yeah' when I sit down. I'm nearly done and I have this serene smile on my face when I look up and see a series of ten numbers scrawled on the door.

So I'm looking at the numbers when I realize that there's totally an arrow pointing to the numbers, so I follow the arrow back and, in the same handwriting as the numbers, someone has written 'call this number for anonymous sexy times.' And then I realize the numbers are a phone number, so I check the area code and sure enough it's 206, so it's a Seattle number. I'm thinking pretty seriously about calling the number when I hear Carly's voice outside, saying, "Sam? We have to go, Freddie sort of said the waitress had a round face and she jumped on him. The other waitresses say they can only hold her back for so long, so we kind of have to get out of here…"

There's a pause in which I don't answer and then she goes, "Are you even in here? I can't hear you peeing."

And I have to swallow a laugh when she says 'peeing' cause it's such a weird thing to hear her say in her innocent little voice. For a second I consider staying in the bathroom so the waitress can attack Freddie, but then I realize it kind of smells in there, so I tell Carly I'll be out in a second and I go wash my hands.

But when I'm done washing and Carly has walked out to make sure Freddie gets to the car without getting mauled by an angry blonde, I whip out my phone and save the number in it.

After all, anonymous sexy times are always useful.

* * *

I'm sitting on my bed, staring at the number in my phone and thinking very hard, which, honestly, I don't really enjoy doing much. I've saved the number as 'Lascivious Lavatory Larry' because I like alliteration, and it seems fitting, although when I pointed it out to Melanie, who's home for a visit, she was all 'how do you know his name's Larry? How do you know it's even a he?' And I was like, I don't know, but I'm not gonna say Lascivious Lavatory Stranger Who Maybe Male Or Female and Is Probably Not Called Larry, cause that's too long and not alliteration, and she was like whatever, and I was like, besides I'm really hoping it's a he, because girls aren't my cup of tea, and she was like, seriously, whatever, I don't care. Not that I'm actually thinking about calling to be like, 'hey, let's have sex.' If I did call, it would be to be like, 'hey, did you know your number is on the wall of a bathroom stall?' Because you know, I'm not some horny teenager; I'm nearly nineteen, and if I wanted to get some, I totally could, and I wouldn't have to call some random number.

But anyways. I keep telling myself that my intentions are totally innocent and I'm not intrigued by the idea of 'anonymous sexy times.' I'm not sure why this number's got me all a flutter – why did I just say all a flutter? See? I'm clearly all a flutter – because it's not like I've never seen graffiti just like it a million times before. Honestly, I've written graffiti just like it a million times before, why am I surprised?

So I've just decided I'm going to call the number when I glance at the clock above my desk and realize it's after midnight. For just a second I'm like 'oh, too late!' and I shut my phone and move to turn my light off and just go to bed.

And then I remember I'm calling a number to ask for anonymous sexy times – I mean, warn them because their number is in a bathroom stall – and it really doesn't matter how late it is, does it?

So I open my phone again and go to my contacts, hit send and put the phone to my ear, giggling like some stupid kid about to crank call someone – which, in a way, I kind of am.

And then a voice answers, and I'm sure it seems really familiar, but I can't really place it. Whoever it is, I've definitely woken them up, because their voice sounds all groggy and kind of muffled like they're talking into their pillow a little – but for some reason they've answered, so I'm kind of thinking anonymous sexy times must be _really _important to them.

They don't even say hello, they just say 'what is it?' which is kind of rude, but I can't really blame them, because if someone called me at one in the morning, I'd be grouchy too.

But whatever, cause suddenly I'm kind of stumped as to what I'm supposed to say. So I just go, "Um, hi. Did you know your number is on the door of a bathroom stall in the Double Dragon on 5th Street?" Not that I really need to say fifth street, cause there's only one Double Dragon, but what if Lascivious Lavatory Larry has never been there?

And then LLL makes this weird noise and sort of grunts and I hear springs creaking like he's sitting up and he goes, "Is that all? You're not calling cause Carly's hurt or something?"

And at first it doesn't register that he's just said Carly's name, so I'm just like, "I'm just calling for a late night booty call. You know, anonymous sexy times, like the bathroom said?"

And then it hits me that he said Carly and I totally freeze, because I'm like who is this!? And LLL is totally silent for a second and then he just goes, 'What?' And holy-mother-fucking-jesus-christ, I recognize his voice.

I swallow, praying I'm wrong, and put the phone to my ear. "Spencer?"

There's another brief pause and then he swears, and he sounds like, way more awake then he did a second ago and he goes, "Sam?"

And I shut my phone really fast and throw it across the room, because I just asked Spencer for a late night booty call.

Fuck.

* * *

Carly calls me early the next morning and when I answer I'm totally pissed, because the ringing woke me up and I have to dig through the box of stuffed animals my phone landed in when I threw it to make the ringing stop. At first I'm just like, "What!?" Because I don't remember the reason I threw my phone and I'm still too busy being mad about being woken up to remember.

And then Carly's like 'you haven't had your coffee, have you?' And I'm about to make some snappy comment when she just moves on and says, "So, I was wondering if you wanted to go grab breakfast or something, cause Spencer's being really weird and saying you and Freddie can't be at the apartment today – well, actually, he just said you, but I assume he means Freddie too or whatever. But we only have a week before I go and I want to do stuff with you guys, cause I'm gonna miss you, you know?"

And for a second there I'm just like, Spencer's being weird, what's new? And then I remember and I'm like oh, shit.

So I balance the phone on my shoulder and start pulling my jeans on and go, "Yeah, sure breakfast sounds good. You're paying, right?" I'm trying to keep my tone really casual, you know? Like I didn't ask my best friend's brother for casual sex just a few hours ago.

But apparently she doesn't notice anything, cause she just goes, "Ha, ha, ha. Is that a joke? Of course I'm paying, you don't have money."

And I'm like, "Yeah, you know me, professional web comedian, I've got jokes." And then I clear my throat and add, "So, why's Spence being so weird?"

I can hear my own voice cracking, but apparently I still sound pretty off-handed to her, 'cause she just says, "Dunno. Doesn't really matter though, you're still getting free breakfast."

I breathe a little sigh of relief, because at least she doesn't _know. _But now I'm in a hurry to get breakfast over her so I can find a way around the whole Sam-Isn't-Allowed-In-The-Shay-Loft thing and talk about what happened with Spencer, so I go, "You make a very good point, Carls. I'll see you at the IHOP in twenty, kay?"

And she says, "I'm already here; coffee's hot and I ordered your extra bacon already. Hurry up."

There's a click as she hangs up and snap my phone shut, drop it in my purse and run from the room.

And then I run back into my room when I realize that I haven't put a shirt on yet and going to IHOP in your bra is probably a really bad idea.

* * *

Breakfast goes really fast, because clearly Spencer didn't tell Carly anything, and I don't have time to waste on bacon – I know, right? – because I have to go make sure Spencer knows that I don't want to sleep with him. Because, obviously I don't want that. Why would I want that? I wouldn't. I don't. Spencer's stupid gangly limbs and kind-of-flabby-in-a-weirdly-sexy-way sLarryach don't make me want to throw him on the bed and – I don't want to sleep with Spencer. That's final. Don't ask again.

So I'm shoveling bacon into my mouth at, like, lightning speed, and Carly is looking at me like I'm more of a pig than usual, and then I finish and I go, "Hey, let's go back to your place so we can work on the iCarly grand finale!"

But she just sort of stares at me and then says, "I told you, Sam. Spencer said you can't come over today."

And I'm like, "Uh, no duh, I don't have short term memory loss. But we have to get the studio ready, 'cause you wanted like banners and stuff, right?"

But of course Carly is being all Spencer's-Needs today, so it takes me like fifteen minutes to convince her and even then I have to say I'll sneak into the apartment and go straight to the studio so he doesn't know I'm there, which is _really _annoying, cause it means I'll have to find an excuse to go downstairs and talk to him, but whatever, we're going over there, so that's a step in the right direction. So we take my car, because Carly rode her bike – she says she doesn't believe in cars, because they pollute, but really she just spends so much of the money she earns at her job on expensive clothing that she can't afford gas – and she keeps complaining that getting her bike out of my trunk is going to suck, but I'm just like, whatever, tell it to someone who cares, you know?

Anyways, we get to Bushwell Plaza and Carly walks in the front door, but I have to go straight up to the studio in the elevator, which, by the way, really sucks, 'cause I ate my breakfast really fast and Carly mentioned something about making cupcakes with Freddie after we left Double Dragon. I figure I'll get a cupcake later, when things are sorted out with Spencer, but still – I really want it like, immediately.

I end up getting really lucky though, 'cause Carly says she wants to shower before we start decorating the studio, because apparently her hair feels too greasy or something, so she leaves me in the studio, expecting me to just… stay there. Yeah, right. So once I hear the water in her shower running, I slip downstairs, stopping in the kitchen to grab a cupcake, because, you know, priorities first, right?

And then I turn around to look for Spencer, but he's not on the couch or anything, so I go to his room. I don't bother to knock or anything because respecting other people's boundaries is _so _not my style. But he's totally not on his bed, or at his desk or anything, and I'm about to turn around and intrude on Carly's shower to ask if he's even _here _when I get like, majorly distracted by this sculpture that's sitting on the desk. It's a really simple sculpture of a circle with a heart around it, and I'm just sort of admiring it and licking the frosting off my cupcake when I hear the water shut off and I'm like, oh crap, Carly's out of the shower, but then I hear Carly's voice calling, "Sam? Where'd you go? Spencer used all the hot water, I have to wait."

And I turn around and there's Spencer, just standing there, dripping from the shower he just got out of and he doesn't have a towel and for a second I can't look away.

But that only lasts for a second before I drop my cupcake frosting first on his floor and run for the door.

* * *

Spencer totally doesn't even try to stop me from running. Not that I blame him, because that would have made it worse. I mean, I wouldn't have stopped if he'd just told me to, so he would have had to like… lunge for me and then things would have… moved, and it would have made the whole situation worse, and then what if his lunge had knocked both of us down, and he'd been on top of me, all naked and wet and…

Damn it, I told you! I don't want to sleep with Spencer! Stop asking.

Anyways, he doesn't even try to stop me, he just sort of goes, "Sam?" and then looks down and yelps and starts looking for something to cover up with. And by the time he has his robe on, I'm like bookin' it up the stairs to lock myself in Carly's room, because I still don't really feel like going to home. So then Carly's knocking on her door and she's like 'woah, sam, come out of there, I don't want you finding that picture of Freddie and me from the night we did it!' or something along those lines, because I'm not paying attention to her at all, I'm too busy lamenting the loss of my cupcake.

And, you know, trying to get the image of naked Spencer out of my head.

God, how many times do I have to tell you? I don't want to sleep with Spencer!

* * *

So I've just started digging through Carly's underwear drawer so I can discover anything she might be keeping from me when her door opens in spite of the fact that I locked it. I mean, if I'd been paying attention to the shouts from outside the door, I probably would have seen it coming, because Spencer had been shouting at me to let him in for like ten minutes and threatening to get the key for like five, but I was too busy being mortified and snoopy to care.

As it was, I didn't see it coming, so I reacted by screaming and throwing one of Carly's thongs at his face.

Which was, you know, awkward to say the least.

And Spencer like, throws the thong back at me and screams and then Carly stick her head in behind him and goes, 'omg, my special Freddie thong!' or something along those lines, I'm not really paying attention to actual words anymore, but she's shouting, so it must be something important like that.

Anyways, Spencer totally kicks Carly out of her own room and then just like, stands there by the door and stares at me. And Carly keeps complaining that we should let her in and Spencer's like, "Carly, I need to talk to Sam privately."

And I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause she's not gonna eavesdrop at all."

But then he glares at me, because he's clearly not in a joking mood, and I shut up, because… well, serious Spencer is kind of frightening. After another minute of just staring at me, like he can lift my thoughts from my head with just his eyes, he sighs and sits down on Carly's bed. He's still wearing just a robe, and I'm imagining what's underneath it and picturing what it would look like in the shower, and what it would look like in the shower _with me…_ Jesus, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times! I don't want to sleep with Spencer!

So then Spencer is like, "Sam, come sit down." And I'm thinking, no, thank you, naked Spencer, but I sit down on the farthest side of Carly's bed from him and start pulling at a fraying thread on her blanket.

And he goes, "Sam."

And I go, "Spencer."

But he's totally not going to let me get off that easy, 'cause he expects me to, like, talk. So I give up and start talking really fast, telling him about how his number is written on the stall, and I just thought it would be funny to call the number, cause I didn't realize that he was Lascivious Lavatory Larry, and then he was, and I was just trying to explain that when I went into his bedroom and what was his number doing in a bathroom stall anyhow?

And he just stares at me for a second like I'm an exhibit in a museum, and then he starts _laughing_. Because clearly my mortification is _so _hilarious.

But I _really _don't find it funny at all. So I jump up, pull Carly's thong over his head, and storm out of the room.

* * *

I'm trying to remember how I got a scar on my right knee when my phone rings, and I answer it without looking at the caller id. If I'd looked, I would have noticed that Lascivious Lavatory Larry was calling, and I probably wouldn't have picked up, but I didn't look, so when the response to my 'hello' is Spencer's voice telling me not to hang up I'm like ….Fuck.

And he's like, "I'm sorry I laughed at you, Sam; it's just that you're forgetting a very important detail about my number."

And I'm like, "Oh, yeah, what's that?"

And then he goes, "You wrote it there."

Wait, stop, rewind, what? Why would I write his number there? So I'm like, "Uh, I think I'd remember writing your number on a bathroom stall door and telling people to call you for sexy times."

But he's all sure and he just keeps saying that it was me who wrote it and then finally he gives this exasperated sigh and he's like, "Sam, just come back to the apartment and I'll explain it all." And then he hangs up, so I don't have time to argue, and if I can't argue, then… well, then my only option is to go over there, right?

* * *

So when I get to Bushwell Plaza, Spencer is sitting on the curb waiting for me. He's fully dressed this time which is, like, a serious improvement, and when I get out of the car he waves one arm at me like there's some way I could have _not _noticed him there.

He doesn't bother to move, so I just sit next to him, and I'm like, "Okay, so tell me about how I apparently wrote your number on a bathroom stall and I don't remember."

And I look up at him, waiting, and he just smiles and leans down and presses his lips to mine, and all those stupid little cliché sayings about sparks and electricity and magic suddenly make more than a lot of sense, because that's what this kiss is, but it's over way too soon, so I end up reaching up and grabbing at his face afterwards, trying to bring it back to mine.

But he just laughs and I think I should be annoyed by it, but I'm in a bit of a daze so I just sort of blink and go, "You taste like… strawberry ice cream. And soap."

And he totally ignores me, which is only fair, because I'm prepared to totally ignore anything he says, as I'm too busy wondering how strawberry ice cream and soap can taste absolutely delicious.

But then he's like, "You wrote it there two years ago, about." So I tune in, because I figure I should know what's going on. He's smiling at me as he continues, and I'm staring at his lips as he talks. "Don't you remember? Carly and Freddie were on the Root and Berry thing, but you did the whole orange project or whatever?" I do remember that part, but I still don't remember writing his number in the bathroom. In fact, all my memories from that time are a little fuzzy. I'm about to ask if I was drunk the entire time Carly and Freddie were on the Root and Berry retreat when I realize he's still talking. "You and I had this really intense game dare going on, and I dared you graffiti something, so you did that; and then you dared me to accept an invitation to 'anonymous sexy times.' Needless to say, you won." So now that I think about it, I do remember the game of dare. He wanted to play truth or dare, but I said truth was for pansies. Still, I don't remember writing his number there.

So I'm like, "Was I… drunk? Had I been drinking?"

And then he blushes and says, "Well, I did dare you to do tequila shots every time someone said something stupid on the Dingo Channel." I raise one eyebrow like, really? I was sixteen. And he gives this guilty little shrug and goes, "I didn't think you'd do it. I should have known you'd do whatever it took to win."

And then I realize how little I care about all that and I go, "What was that before? The kiss?"

And he gets all embarrassed and goes, "Just a kiss."

Which is clearly not an adequate answer, so I'm like, "Why'd you do it?"

So he smiles and says, "Cause I wanted to."

And then I smile and say, "Do you want to do it again?" And he leans down and cups my face and kisses me and he's gentle and soft and – it's weird, the gentleness. Everyone else I've kissed has been needy and rough and urgent. But Spencer is in no hurry and I melt beneath his touch.

But eventually he has to break the kiss to breathe and when he does, and I've picked my melted brain up off the floor, I'm just like, "Woah."

Because, know that I think about it, I do want to sleep with Spencer. I want to _be _with Spencer.

And yes, you can ask me again.

And again, and again, and again, and again.


End file.
